Southern Soul Quest: Reflection on the Trip

Final Stage

Every blog series requires a final reflection – one last injection of insights. I’ve been open and reflective in all the previous posts, but perhaps I can dive deeper or at least summarize everything. As I wrap up this blog series, I’m thinking about how much self-reflection has shaped my journey.

Escaping Reality

I remember debating with my former partner on the reasoning for my trip. We sat in the shared office, our desks on opposite sides. Taking a break from whatever we were doing, she asked if I was trying to escape. I said I wasn’t. And most of me believed that. But somewhere along the journey, I realized that was a lie. This trip was an escape. I learned a lot along the way, but a big reason was to escape that relationship and where I was. I needed solitude to reconfigure myself. A reboot of sorts.

I had three purposes for this trip: visiting Civil War battlefields, self-discovery, and escapism. I finished the first one after realizing I get more out of these places with like-minded people. And it took a while for me to accept that escaping was one of my purposes. I didn’t want it to be like that. I insisted it wasn’t. In the end, I accepted that escaping wasn’t a sign of weakness, but rather a necessary step towards reclaiming my sense of self and finding the strength to embrace new beginnings.

Returning

I left on August 13, 2023, and returned on September 8th to the same shared apartment. There was no excitement at my return, at least on my part. I simply walked in, cleaned out the food from my cooler, and unpacked clothes in my room. There was a small sigh of relief to have a steady place to rest my head again. Returning meant awkward moments, tension, and frustration. It meant sadness, regret, and loss. Returning was painful, but necessary. If there was one thing I had excitement for, it may have been the gym. It is a place to expend energy and ensure this human vessel lasts as long as possible.

If I wasn’t at the gym, I was in my room. And if I wasn’t in my room, I had my headphones on at my computer. I didn’t know how to interact with my former partner (FP from now on) or her daughter. So I kept to myself when I could. We conversed and even watched a show, but it was difficult. There was a sexual tension that couldn’t be broken by either of us. “Goodnight” turned into “Night” as we slowly separated.

Connections

Looking back, that’s eight months ago! Eight months ago I wasn’t sure of much. I knew I was headed to Europe. That’s it. I wanted to plan for the long term, but I was just going day by day. I couldn’t job search with another trip down the line. I couldn’t search for a house or land when I wasn’t even sure I’d stay in Maine when I got back. Events seemed to happen in short succession when I came home. I had a reenactment in Georgia with my friend Dalton, two weddings, some video work, and then I was off. The days went slowly, but the few weeks before Europe passed quickly.

Eight months ago was a hard time. I found myself still connected to my FP who was just a roommate. We talked some and figured stuff out, but it was hard being in close proximity. I felt we were still together. Actually, I felt I was in a relationship up until a few months ago. I never felt like I was single. I jumped on a couple dating apps maybe three months after the breakup. I thought it was cheating and I couldn’t get it in my head that I was single. In Europe, I had a hard time mingling with women for a time.

I do feel comfortable in my singleness now. I have had a few dates and connections. But eight months ago was rough. There was certainly a relaxation when my FP’s son moved in and took up my end of the rent so I could move out. Despite having to move in with my folks (love ’em!) it was better than the tension in the apartment. Learning I was leaving, her daughter said, “I’m glad you’re moving out.” It hurt a little, but I had to agree inside.

While “ex” has a negative connotation, it may be time to use that rather than “former partner.” Not for any negative reason at all, but to really close that chapter up – to take everything from it and put the lid on the box. Take the box, mark it “Nick and Anna”, and set it up on the shelf of memories. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Actually, as I typed it, I envisioned little versions of me doing this exact thing in my noggin.

Self Discovery

One of the interesting things in life is that you never truly find yourself. There’s always more to be developed – more to be learned. I suppose that’s awesome and also a little frustrating. There’s no end in sight when it comes to personal development. To say I found myself during this trip would be false. To say I came close is a lie. I struggled to be alone and happy with myself in that state. I got homesick. I got sad. I thought a lot about the choices I had made and the actions I did. I thought about my FP.

On the other hand, there were moments when I was completely at peace. Few as they were, it happened! I learned that I prefer to visit historical sites with friends. I learned that I don’t need a whole lot of anything to be happy. I transitioned from one goal to another. I drank less. I discovered new places. I met new people. Overall, I’d do this trip the exact same way again.

Nick from eight months ago wouldn’t expect current Nick to be teaching again. He’d laugh at him or maybe try to remind him of why he left to begin with. But current Nick would remind Nick from eight months ago why he loves teaching. Nick eight months ago was feeling like he was still in a relationship. I’d remind him that they had a good run and learned from it.

Journey’s End

Blogging is my way of capturing memories to preserve them. I journal for the same reason. My memory isn’t the best, but pictures and these written words help me recall life’s moments. I can plant myself in these moments and feel how I felt. This post has been a little different than most. Rather than make recommendations or recall specific places, I’ve focused on the internal side. I ended up freewriting and tossing the outline I had made.

In concluding this reflective journey, I am reminded of the power of self-discovery. Each part of this trip and the following reflections has been a stepping stone toward personal growth and understanding. I am grateful for the experiences, both joyful and challenging, as they have shaped me into who I am today.

I look forward to future road trips, both solo and with companions. There will be more hardships ahead as well as pleasure. That’s life. And I love it!