From Freedom to Stability: A Journey’s Reflection

October 19th marks one year since I landed in Paris and began a three-month voyage across the continent. Looking back, I wonder how it was only just a year and not a decade. Those three months included a trek through Europe and also a transformational period for me. I developed a larger sense of what makes me tick. Time was spent with others, but a great deal alone as well. I discovered different parts of me in France, Italy, London, Amsterdam, and Ireland. I lived a fantasy I dreamed of for years. A year later, I miss it. I do see, though, that I’m different. 

Some of that isn’t necessarily from the jaunt overseas. When I returned home, I fell into the hole of despair. No 30-year-old who’s owned two houses wants to move back in with Mom and Dad (but thank you very much!). I transitioned from 100% freedom to job searching. Transition is not the right word. I plummeted into the free fall of job searching. I struggled to identify with a career path. It was with prodding that I reconsidered teaching.

I never anticipated I would be teaching again. But, so far so good. I have my own space again (even if it is provided by the school). I feel whole again. Mostly. Because there are still days where I want to be elsewhere. I dream of walking the canals of Amsterdam at night with my friend, Christian. I can hear his laughter roaring off the riverboats. We’re up to no good, searching for girls and dancing. I picture driving to Galway from Skibbereen. The roads are narrow and tight. I feel the sea breeze on my face by the Cliffs of Moher.

Most days I am content where I am: secure paycheck and space to myself. I’m busy enough that I hardly use my car. I am served food as good as a four-star restaurant. Thus far, I’m maintaining a decent work-life balance. On occasion, I long for the freedom of a backpack and the train system of Europe. I miss the friendships you form in travel. I miss exploring every day.

I chuckled as I wrote this. At the same time, I recall a few times being ready to go home and get a steady paycheck and my own place. A cliche fits here: the grass is always greener…So I’m making plans to travel soon. And I am excited. Quebec in November. Somewhere in South America in April. My green pack is ready too. I wonder if he is as anxious as me. He’s tucked underneath my letter-writing desk now. Soon enough, my friend.

It’s ironic, then, that my desire to travel stems from being in one place. While I was traveling, especially near the end of the three months, I wanted nothing more than routine. How can we find a balance? I think I should explore more, even if that means visiting tiny towns in Maine. Something special about the school I work at now is the close proximity to outdoor activities. I am hoping to engage more with hiking and, soon, snowshoeing. Of course, that is nothing that can be compared to visiting Europe. Perhaps I can do something to lower my Europe withdrawal. 

On the other hand, I need to “sit with it” as my ex used to say. Accept that I miss the lifestyle I had in Europe. I really am in a good space right now. I don’t imagine I’m the only one who reminisces heavily on travel. How do you handle the urge to travel?