Pictures on my Phone

I’m having a hard time removing the pictures on my phone. Pictures of happy, smiling, in-love people. While the smart move is to delete as many as possible and let my memories dissolve, I’ve chosen to occasionally look back. I get sad and I even cried once. I know you’re off looking for someone else already. It’s funny how quick a turnaround can be. 

I wrote a poem recently about what I miss. In particular, I miss laying next to you and hearing you talk. Your head is on my chest, your leg wrapped around my waist. It doesn’t matter what we talked about: your family, plans for the future, thoughts on life. The weight of your head was something grounding for me, centering me in the moment. My hoodie you borrowed finally lost your scent. And I noticed our shared note with activities and foods to try is gone.

I miss all these things, and yet I still ended the relationship. That doesn’t quite make sense to me. It’s one thing to be broken up with and look back. Here, I chose to do the breaking up and still look back. Since I still loved you, it hurt. I lost the vision I had of us sitting on the porch swing with our grandchildren running up to see us. I felt a deep connection with you, but I also saw the ways we didn’t quite fit together. I only want what’s best for you and I didn’t see me in that equation. 

So, I hope the next man can fit your timeline and have the two vehicles you expect. He’ll have to bring you ice cream constantly and give excellent massages. We had a great run and I’m grateful for the memories we made. Boston, Portland, and the Gardiner Hannafords won’t be the same. They’re reminders of the chapter we shared. And this was a great chapter that’ll mold me for the future. 

Me? I’m not looking for anyone. I have this palace of an apartment and it’s the first time I’ve had my own space in a while. I want to enjoy it before I figure anything else out. I’m taking time to sit with myself in silence and simply be. Who knows what the future will bring? I’ll take it as it comes, grateful for each chapter.